'Monkey' Business

The Situation 

Poland part 3

Not only did I feel I grew as a dance but as a person. So on the last day I found out some news. Probably not the news I wanted to hear. But for the first time i am going to face the situation head on. I'm tired of running or just letting get. I want to fight for the situation and I at least want to know for the first time io tried. I have a tendency to give up on situations like this and run straight for the hills. But this time I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to take the situation into my own hands and do something I would never do. And I've already made the steps. As I was showering my last night at the convention I started to think about a situation my friend was in (mind you they are completely different situations) and something she said stuck in my head. She said "if I can get there (she is referring to the fnf intensive) with ease then why not, and just go". So I related that with my situation and if I can make it happen with total ease I'm going to do it and not be afraid and just take the risk. I mean, really, what's the worst that could happen I could get turned away, and walk away knowing that at least I tried right! And I made an attempt to pursue this. And what do you know everything to get there was a piece of cake!! And hey i also got the opportunities like teaching and hanging out with some really good friends of mine. I can still make the best of the situation! But I'm sending positive vibes out into the universe that things go in a positive direction. I will admit I feel fucking nuts for what I'm about to do. It's so out of my character and something totally new to me. But if I can travel the world alone and do what I have done thus far, I can do this. I have no clue how any of it is going to go, or what I am going to do or say when this all goes down. It make me sick just thinking about it. Don't get it twisted tho I good sick. Really tho it makes me feel alive knowing I feel like I'm growing and becoming a new person! Geeeeez! I really feel fucking nutzzz. Let the countdown begin. 

And it's my last night in Poland and I'm spending it with Mariana and Sonia! We are bout to check out Old Town Poland. Then we shall see what the night brings. At least I'll get a night to experience Poland. But I do like it here, the people are so amazingly nice and it's a very different culture! One that you can appreciate!! Tomorrow it is off to Berlin, and I still have yet to find a place to stay. It was hard being out in the cuts of Poland, but I will be fine. I will find someone! Ohhhh and I got a new beard trimmer, I no longer feel like a caveman! Next a new haircut and I will feel so fresh, which is just what I need right before all this goes down. Ok well I feel better now time to head off! Later!  

Berlin

Oh Berlin! I'm like you already. I am ready to dance! I need to move I need to express and I need toilet it all out. I feel like such an emotional roller coaster right now. One minute I'm calm. The next. I'm a nervous reck. Later I'm just anxious. Sleep right now is very hard. I tried to nap and it just wasn't happening. My mind is going a thousand miles a minute. I am ready to get to get this over with. I want to know now I don't want to wait anymore. The thought of  what I am doing sends my mind into a fucking whirlwind. I get nervous and scared and anxious and happy and sad and uughhh! Just an FYI I am not posting any of this till after everything has happened so the things I have been writing since I made my decision to this I am keeping under wraps till all is said and done. But what if it's too late when I get there. I keep trying to imagine how it's going to happen what I'm going to say what I am going to do. Every time is something different. And I feel like ok that's my plan of action. But I know when I get there it is going o be something totally different and I can foresee it now that I am going to fuck it up and lose everything I going after! But I'm really trying not to think like that and just keep throwing positive vibes out into the universe and keep praying. It's crazy I'm doing this based off of 3 days. 3 days of what seemed like bliss and I was just happy and comfortable for once. Comfortable in that situation at least. Cause it's been so long I felt like that. And like the addict I am I am going to chase my high. But really I would have never done anything like this before I would have just let the situation go and moved on with my life and do what I love dance (which I'm still going to do and love more, always) but this time I'm going after it. I mean am I crazy for thinking like this over something that happened over 3 days? Like right now I just totally zoned out like a fucking pot head into the world of nothing just thinking of this and my head is saying your nuts and stupid. But my heart just kept beating Fred and faster and my palms were sweating like I was in a sauna for the last 5 min. I've been nervous before, but that's was beyond what I felt when I get nervous. But I will say I feel much better bout doing this now. Been eating good, got my haircut, I feel good gonna keep working out and dancing. Whooo trying to make the days go by faster and keep my mind distracted from this all. As much as I can, but the moment I'm not lost in a city or learning some choreo it starts all back. So about Berlin. I like it here. It is nice city big and surprisingly clean for being such a big city. Has a lot of pretty building. The men here are hooooot! Got some cool touristy pics but by time you read this they will have been posted already. And dude so I got a sick as apartment I am staying in. I felt like shit when I left Poland and needed to be back in my own space, would have liked to stay with someone to keep me more distracted, but I did the right thing, the first night (which was last night) I just realized with a bottle of wine and laid in the couch and watched a movie. But literally I have a sick apartment! Hella nicely furnished and for four days it was pretty cheap 126 euro. What really sold me was that it had a washer. So I could do laundry! But I have a bedroom kitchen living room balcony. Kinda feel like a king lol! Halal nicely decorated too. Note to self snap pics!! So yeah I'm here at Starbucks right by one of the studios I am going to check out just waiting for class and then dont know what else I am going to do. Wait i led i am going to work out! Do some strength stuff. I want to be sore. But got to take extra caution with the neck! But I'm really excited for class!! Hahaha and Mr. Rob Rich is in Berlin too! 

Morning: So last night I was laying on the couch attempting to watch a movie. The movie was going but I couldn't tell you what they were saying or what was going on. It looked like a dramatic/action packed movie, something I would normally be so into. But it's like it was on mute the whole time. My mind was focusing on one thing. How in the world am I going to do this! What am I going to say, do, act, react. And simply just praying. I have yet to question tho whether or not I am doing the right thing, which is weird cause I always do that, it feels good to follow my heart. Then I wonder if I am too late. Then I went back I read things from before, and I know my mind isn't playing tricks on me! Im doing the right thing, I am!  

Afternoon: k So I just walked around the gay part of Berlin (well the main part) but I think it might be more interesting at night! Cause I was not in shock by anything...but also the whole time I was thinking about my situation. And I have decided since I will not be telling anyone till after the moves have been made. I think it is time I write about it. 

Maybe writing will help. So here I go. If you remember I told you about someone I met in Dublin name Monkey (obviously a name I made up for him). I don't even know how to explain the three days I spent with him. There is an array of words that can be used to exemplify what I felt those three days. Do I understand what the connection was? Not at all. Would I love to know? Hell yes! Flash forward to Poland, the last night there to be exact. I was talking to him via text. And out of the blue at the end of a text he writes "I'm kinda started seeing someone." I almost vomited on myself, and felt my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach! Of course being the nice guy I am I played it off cool telling him he deserves it he is an amazing guy. And he proceeds to tell me the guy is sweet but he is not looking for a boyfriend. I let it sink in for the night. But the thought of it made me more and more upset. I couldn't stop thinking about it. And for anyone who knows me I do not get jealous. At all. Especially over men, normally to me it's not worth it. And I just don't care cause mostly I probably don't care about them as much as I seem to. But mind you that was years ago. I've single for six years. I've dated but nothing serious. No one to call mine, get my drift? Anyways, I was jealous as fuck at this little boy toy of his. Like really jealous. So the next day I told him. And he assured me I have no reason to be jealous. But still that doesn't really help. I don't know what this guy looks like what if he is some ripped dude who is gorgeous as fuck? Then it's like John who? And then I could stop thinking about this guy touching him, sleeping with him, kissing him, holding his hand, and so on. And still it makes me want to punch a hole in the wall. And if you saw my last apartment in la. I'll do it. Lol. But I can't do that cause I don't have a wall of my own. Lol. I have never felt something like this. I didn't know what to do. And still don't. This is all new to me. This kind of situation, these emotions, pretty much everything. By the end of the night and after a talk with Mariana. I made my decision on what I am going to do. So I went online and bought my self a ticket back to Dublin. And I'm Going to find him, and just tell him really what I think, and that if he should be with anyone it should be me. Ya it's crazy. Only 3 days with the guy. But there was something there and I don't know what it was but I want to find out. Maybe there is nothing and maybe he will turn me away, and y sorry but no. But at least I can say I tried and for the first time in my life I didn't run from something good, or turn my back on it, and I'm gonna fight for it! Unfortunately I could find a flight out of Warsaw but I found one out of Frankfurt, Germany for 17€ and got my train ticket from Berlin to Frankfort for 60 something euro. And got a hotel for 125 USD for three nights. It was easy. And like Mariana said to me about her problem "if it easy enough to get there, it was meant to be.for some reason unknown, it was meant to be." so here I am now in Berlin and I have 5 days left till I get there. He has no clue. I have no clue how I am going to do any of this. It crosses my mind every moment pretty much. I try to think of how it is going to take play, but every one is different. I tried to see if I can remember how to get to his house using google world thingy. I don't know where he works. All I know it is a restaurant. And he does photography at various night clubs sometimes. So pretty much I feel fucked, crazy, and scared shitless. Not matter what tho I do have dance out there, I'll be teaching a workshop the following Sunday, and if worse case scenario after the three days at the hotel, I can stay with my friend Ding. And if it doesn't work out ill just take class and teach then go back to London and figure out my life! But I really praying and hoping it does. I know it all sounds crazy, trust me I feel just as crazy. But in the past two weeks I have learned a lot about myself, and have seen how much I have grown. I feel fearless. And I can take chances. Like I said before the worst that can happen is he says no. Ok.... then I move on with my life! I'm sick and tired of being afraid and running from something that I want so bad, and have wanted for so long. Life is all about taking chances. And that is what I have decided to do. It sucks tho cause I feel like every minute that goes by I'm losing him more and more. And it hurts. And I still have 5 mo days. I try and keep telling myself, what can happen in 5 days John? For example I text him today and I didn't hear back from him :( I just want to get there and get this over with. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied with things to do, but nothing other than dance has cured me of this. I sound like a mad person. Holy shit. And what gets me, it was only three fucking days. Am I delusional for basing this of those three days. I don't feel like it inside.  Look Idont know what it is, I know I don't love the guy...right now. But I do know he is worth trying to figuring it out. Ugh an hour and a half till I can dance, forget for the moment, and just move. And then I see a picture of him. And I just want to kiss him. I remember kissing him.the feeling. His lips. See I hate PDA normally, but it's different when your with someone, that when you kiss them the outside world doesn't even exist. Ha. Then you snap back into reality when lips unlock and your like oh shit hope no one saw that when you know everyone saw it. So my grandma just called and I talked to her for a min and I can hear it in my voice something is wrong that I'm bothered. And it sucks. When IIIIII can tell there is something wrong. Not good. Ugh the day has fallen and it is now night. Thank god, cause the closer to dancing and closer to it being another day! Damn Brandy and Teairra Marie and Beyonce just gave me everything I am feeling.  ok time to dance.

Way to late in the night: it felt so good to go out and spend time with new people and just be out and about on a mission. Kept my mind clear of all the madness. And I asked the opinion of people I don't know about my situation and they think what I'm doing is a good step. So that makes me feel a little bit better. Other than that one time of bringing it up I kept my mind off the subject for a moment to keep sanity and have some good old fashion Berin fun. Chrisi would have had a blast and beer was so cheap. 2€ and one bar we went to was this Jamaican club omg so much fun! But the muinte I left there my mind was right back to where it has been. But the good thing is he text me when I text him.  Fuck I just want get there NOW!! I want to lie in bed with him. Cuddle for a min. Then go to sleep and wake up seeing him. Really. What I would do for that moment right now. There I go again. Head spinning off. Ok if pretty little liars doesn't hurry downloading I might go insane lol. Or might pass out! I should work on that I guess. Night. I just want to make a quick note I'm not what-so-ever saying I want an immediate relationship with the guy, but what I am saying is I want to know something is there and maybe together we can figure it out. A relationship would be the cherry on the cake. But that's the least of my concern right now. Thank you. 

March 1st 

I have four days. I feel like its four days of torture. Like someone took a needle full of horse tranquilizer. Stabbed me in the heart with it and pushed down on the syringe till it was empty. Cause I feel numb. I don't feel anything right now. I don't even know what think right now. I don't know what to think of myself. The situation. The feeling. I'm so confused on what is going on. I just know my body is moving and my mind is trailing along. I'm just lost. But somehow I'm still trying to push those positive vibes out! That when he sees me he is going to be reminded of something, what I don't know, but something and we can at least talk about it. That's all I want. I just want to know. Maybe we're suppose to be friends, maybe were suppose to be lovers, maybe nothing at all,  I know I feel something for him. And I want him to know. And I think he is making a huge mistake and if he is going to be with anyone it should be ME! I know I'm a good guy. I'm a damn keeper. It pisses me off thinking someone other dude is where I could possibly be. Kinda feel like Julia Roberts in My Best Friends Wedding. Minus an actually wedding. Lol.  It is my grandpas birthday today. Happy birthday grandpa, I hope he is looking down on me at this moment telling me everything will be fine and it's all going to work out. I wish he would give me a sign right now. It might make me feel at ease. I know some people think I'm fucking stupid for doing something like this. But hey I'm definitely learning a lot. And will be learning more. AND FYI at least if it doesn't work out I have other stuff going on out there so, yes I have a backup plan lol. PARENTAL DISCRETION FOREWARNING: so the song I am listening to right now. Is this love song about a couples issues and the make up sex and blah blah blah. And it just got me thinking about how I miss the amazing kisses and sex! Everything about it! His touch, his kiss (by far one of the best parts)! To me it's always about the kiss with a guy, you can tell if your going to have a good time in the sack by the kiss. Let alone even be attracted to someone by the kiss. And I remember the first kiss. Shit, just like it was yesterday. I already thought he was hot, but when he kissed me, GOD DAMN! Alright I'm ready to put on those boxing gloves. Haha. Totally speaking metaphorically of course. I'm a lover for sure. But I will cut a bitch! *lip smack* 

I'm nervous. Sunday feels so far yet so close. And still trying to think how this is all going to go down. Images flash of his face in my head. I'm trying to imagine what it's going to be like the moment our eyes lock. Where is it going to be? What's going to be his reaction? What's going to be mine? I know what I would love to happen, but at this point I have no expectations, cause I have no clue!! And that's what scares me. It's like when I don't feel good or when I feel something is wrong with my body and I don't know, I panic. Fuckin A! Jhene Aiko is killin it right now. She is so on point with me right now! No expectations, no clue, what the fuck is going on? So close yet so far! "find my way back to you" Teairra Mari ON POINT from beginning to end!!! I know some people would be like why are you giving up traveling the world for some dude. First off its not for some dude it's for what I am feeling for some dude. And this feeling hasn't happened to me in so many years. Six to be exact. And second the world is gonna be there it isn't going anywhere. It can wait. To me this feeling is worth fighting for. Or at least trying. Be bold and the mighty forces will come to your aid" 

So I'm now in Frankfurt and thank god for PPL cause it kept my mind pretty much occupied as much as it could. And off the thought of what is to come. I have 3 more days. I feel like I am praying more and more every minute. Im hoping that these three days I can at least keep occupied and my mind away from this cause I'm starting to feel this is a little too much. I don't want to lose the thrill of this. I don't know how to say what's in my head right now. Cause if I try to say it it is going to sounds worse then what I mean. And I feel like it is sending out negativity and that I don't want. So I just need to forget that thought. I just want to say what it is that's is on my mind. Whether the outcome isn't what I want I just want it off my chest. I feel like a million ton bricks just laying right on it. And keeping me from breathing! Maybe this guy Will be up for getting wasted.and then maybe i can sleep. And maybe I can forget what the fuck it is I am doing. Stay drunk for three days lol!! No cause I got to work out lol. Well I can always workout drunk I've done it a million times before. I'm fine. I really am. Ive just never done anything like this. And like I mentioned not know what the fuck I'm going to do or how to find him or bring up "hey I'm in town" we need to talk" I'm afraid he is going to just going to shut me down.cso is rather just surprise him sounds like the devil I know but guess that's just me being a pussy. Who knows maybe when I get there ill change my mind. But I want this to mean something to me. No matter the outcome. If I do it my way I know I tried my hardest! And pray! Lol! 

Two more days and for some reason I woke up feeling completely different today. Like happier! I don't know why. Maybe cause its getting closer I would think that maybe I'd be getting more and more nuts, but in laity I'm fine. It's hardly crossed my mind and just looking forward to being in Dublin. Maybe this is my grandfathers way of saying everything is going to be alright. Giving me the power to not think about it and just be happy for the next couple of days. Who knows. Or could be the opposite be happy the next couple of days because  after I might be in the pits. Lol. Like I said who knows. Just forget about it and roll with the punches. 

So the night has come to. And I'm sitting here in the house I'm staying in and the guy is watching German TV and my mind started drifting off. I have come to the point no of just being nervous. Tomorrows my last day and then I will be in Dublin. Still clueless. But now the nerves are setting in. My stomach will begin to twist and tense up! My muscles have spasms, my palms sweat, and next thing I know I'm in like a state of shock. Reality is setting in that this whole situation is for real and it's not just figment of my I imagination. Like I'm going to be honest, open, speak my mind. I keep thinking of how am I going to find him? When I do, what is it going to be like? I start to imagine all the situations,settings it can possibly take place. What if I can't find him and I have to tell him I'm there. What's he going to think? Will he want to see me? What if he says he doesn't want to see me? What if I can tell him what I want to tell him. Do I still look for him and still tell him. Even though he probably wouldn't deserve to heat it. But do it for my the ability to go as a person and still not run from something emotional? So many questions run through my head, I can't keep up. I get lost in my own thoughts! But I do want to admit I'm So ready to have my own little space. Makes me miss certain things about living in CA like being having my own space. I need that out here, well I'm ready for it I should say! Ugh and the guy doesn't have Internet here at his house so I have jot been able to get any messages! I text monkey when I got to Internet to wish him luck on his shoot. Ugh when I think of talking to him, I wonder if he is ever with that guy, or if the guy sees or knows about our conversation. But anyway we didn't stay long at the shop so I never go to know if he text me back.  I need to think of a game plan? Do I really need one? I just know I need to find him. Do I mention to him I am there? I think I'll wait for that, it will be my last resort. What if he is with the dude. Do I say it in front of him? What if I have to watch him walk away with the guy? Why do I still feel like I am process all this information? I'm just Mr. Questions tonight. What I cant wait to do is go for a jog tomorrow and do some sit ups! I wonder if I am more attractive then this guy? Fuck looks-I know I have an amazing personality. Wow I feel like that's the first time I ever said something like that about myself and to myself and actually believe it. I feel more IN my skin then ever before and I don't care anymore bout what people think! Cause I know! I might not be that attractive to most people but I know I am a good person. I think just want someone else to see that in me. And appreciate me for it. Like someone who shows me the kind of affection I want. And regardless of what happens I know that's something I am carrying something away about myself. I keep asking for a sign to tell me what direction this is going to go. But is this a situation where you get no signs? Like a precaution. OoOooOOo I just want to dance and let it out! 

So I just thought of something it will be 6 years officially in a month and at least what I have to say is that at least one time n the six months I cared and really fought for someone or a feeling toward another person.

It's my last day here in Frankfurt. And I am spending it alone in the city, which is good I guess cause I can figure out what the hell I am going to do. I was feeling fine till I went onto Facebook. And if I think I found the guy he is seeing, I might be fucked! So I'm pretty nervous. He never did text me back either but It is expected. I mean he thinks right now I am traveling the world and having a great time, and in reality I'm not, having a great time yes always but he doesn't know I'm heading back to him. I want to see him. I'm struggling with anticipation to get back there.  And he is just living his life, and i can't stop him nor am I mad at him for doing so. I mean he wasn't planning on see me for a very long time. And he is just going about his life like any regular person would. But I will find him and will let him know what it is I think. I went on a nice jog in the country side of Frankfurt this morning to keep my mind clear and it was amazing. My thoughts just seemed so clear. In about 24 hours the real mission starts. And trust me I will go in and out of every club to see if I find him. Imma try and see if I can remember how to get back to his house. It will be a miracle if I can remember I fell like once I am on the streets It might click. 

So I just went shopping got a new shirt. A new tie and suspenders and shoes. So I feel like I will have something fresh to wear when I see him. If I see him that night, but anywho so when I grand check out how much it was I spent it was 77.70. My three sevens. Could that be a sign? I don't know but it made me happy like i am doing the right thing. This time tomorrow I will be in Ireland. I'm this close. I have a feeling it is going tone hard to sleep tonight! Now I'm hoping customs will let me through. Cause I don't have a ticket out of there. But I am going to use my lost credit card story. And hopefully they will let me through. 

Today's the day. I'm making my way back to Dublin. And for some reason my mind feels blank. I have no clue about anything right now. I got up early and there was no way I was going to fall back asleep. Dublin was the first thing in my mind when I woke up. I think now I am more scared then nervous. Or maybe both. When I imagine seeing his face I can't help but smile, but If at that moment when I see him. Will it be a smiling moment? I imagine leaving him a note, but I can't think of the right things to say in the note. Is there a right thing? I think anything I say at this point is going to either be a hit or miss. I'm nervous about getting rejected. You'd figure I'd be use to it by now. But to be honest this is the first time I'm really hoping It doesn't happen. But if it does at let I will be in a place I feel at home in and I can figure out my life from there. So on the bus to the airport there are some Irish people and they are getting wasted. I should be on their level I could use it right now. Numb myself a little more!! Lol. I'm being bold. So let hope those mighty forces are with me!! 

I'm here at the airport and I need food! And a beer! Got my bag checked on and all I'm waiting to do is go through security but I will wait till time is closer so I can go in and out and plus all the food and stuff is on the outside. I'm getting so close I can almost taste it. But I think that nervous feeling is coming back. I was able to actually fall asleep on the bus. Time has actually flown. From this morning till now. I just need to keep that same thinking pattern. At this point there is no reason to rush time at this point. Really at any point in so free, and right now I feel free, this is making me feel more free. I don't know why I feel this way right now but I do. But then in a blink of an eye when I really start tithing about it. That changes and I feel petrified. Life's all about taking risks. And this is a risk I am willing to take. As crazy as this all is. Something is telling me to do it. Like I feel hands on my back just pushing me. Guys are a big fear of mine. Especially ones I am attracted to cause most the time they aren't attracted to me. or are only after one thing. So typically I just keep my mouth shut, move on, and well here I am six years and single. So this time i am facing my fear head on.  I am now sitting at the bar next to a group of Irishmen, yes the same on from the bus. And their voice. Ugh I just want to hear his voice. Hwwooo and that smile. I can not wait. It's like every five minutes i stop, and a daydream hits me. Must look like I have some staring problem lol. Whatever. Lol. So if I can find him on my own I have a couple of ideas .on how to. But I'm hoping I can just do it on my own! I'm still praying lol. 

Finally on the plane. Nerves are running extremely high! I can't even explain how I feel right now. 

I'm scared, very scared. 

So apparently this flight is longer than an hour cause we are still in the air. ooOoOOo im just ready. Just asked and we land in 45 min. Ok so an 1 hour and 45 not that bad. But fuck I just want to get there. 

Once again the Irish customs is being a dick. This time they got me waiting in a room. And everyone else just doesn't get questioned and walks on on by. Dude I'm not here to blow Ireland up. I love it here. D I really look like I am going todo something wrong. And more and more people just get in line. And there is only one guard working.this is ridiculous. I'm livid right now. And another guy got sent in the room with me. This is bullshit. I just want to get out of here and get to my hotel and get it is what I need done. Ugh. And my bag is chillin all alone. Fuck more people. They are dicks here at customs!! I'm fucking pissed. I knew this was going to happen to me. I don't get it. They have nothing else better to do apparently! I just want to get my shit done!  

I made it through and now I'm on the bus to my hotel. I text him. But haven't heard back yet.  Fuck it makes me so nervous. How the hell am I going to find him? Its like mission impossible. But shit I am glad I got through and they gave me a week. But they did give me the office to go to if I want to extend it! I just want to find him. This is going to be interesting. That's for sure. 

I've walked all around Dublin I haven't seen him. But I think I may have been close this house. I think. But it was dark. So I am not sure. Still no word from him. I am taking it he is A)at work or B) with dude. I just want to tell him what I have to say. 

Yeah so this mission is a bust. He hasn't text me back at all. I don't even know if I should tell him I am here. What do I do? I traveled all this way. I just don't know. I have a feeling he knows I am here. And is avoiding me. 

So I got a hold of him now. If I can see him. I dont want to say what i have to say in person so let's see.  I'm going to see him when he gets off. And I can already tell how it's going to end and how much of an idiot I'm going to look like but. Being able to say it I'm going to feel so much better. No matter what the outcome maybe. At least I'm gonna look hot. Lol

Time for some beers and food! Calm my nerves. I know I'm going to sound like a crazy person! Wtf am I even doing? Really John! I've been gone for two months and then I come back and say I think your making a big mistake with this guy and if your gonna be with anyone it should be me! Ok yes I sound nuts! I know he is just going to laugh and be mlike John it's cute but no. He already is calling this guy his fella. 

So it just hit me. I really could care what he thinks of what I have to say. I have a lot of friends here, things to do, places I can go, men to have sex with, maybe it'll all be a sign. Point me in a new direction, of where I need to go, what I need to do. As much as I want him, and I'm so ready not to be single, I don't know, at least I'm trying something for the first time. And hopefully if all else fails maybe we can walk away still being friends and hang out. Obviously I wouldn't mind more but guess I'll have to wait! 

So I just met with him and it just happened like. I imagined. Sucks but I made my bed now I have to lie in it. And at least I took a chance. I don't know how I feel. He is still going to London into and a half months. Ugh what's that matter tho. I feel dumb. I want beer and sleep and boys. Mind distraction. He said hell' hit me up to hang out but we'll see bout that! But seeing his face and hearing his voice was comforting. Just not what came out of it. But  I already knew it. A part of me wishes he would realize what I said and forget the dude and be with me. But ya not gonna happen! Wishful thinking. He was thinking deep tho and I wish I could have just read into his mind! Maybe I didn't fight hard enough and just let it go. I don't know what's done is done. Can't change what I've done. 

A day later. I feel ok. Still kinda sad bout the situation.  I hoped maybe he might have felt the same. But these Irish are dedicated I guess. Shit. The funny thing is he is still moving to London. So I wonder how that's all going to work out. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be right now. But. At least I learned a lot about myself. I did something I never done before. But I have decided what I am going to do next. I am going to make my final stop in a amsterdam (I could use some good weed right now) and then head back to London. Get my room. And start my life. And maybe that's what I needed right now. Reassurance that yes it's been six years but I'm still no where where I want o be in my life. Even with all my accomplishments as traveling. It's time for my dance career to take off in a new direction and I need to focus on that. I need to get my life in order before I try to take on someone else. God but what I would have done for a final kiss or some sex. Haha. But yeah. It's for the best. And of course I look back and think damn I should have said this and this, but in the end I said what I did and it was meant to be that way. Should I have fought harder. I mean seriously his loss someone else gain right?! Gaureented he won't find anyone like me. Or someone that would do what I did. And like I told him it sounds crazy but can't help a feeling. What the feeling is??? No clue. But. There was a feeling he knows it too! I mean how much can you get from three days?? But if there was a slight something. Who knows maybe it was worth it. So in conclusion to this whole MESS and SILLINESS I think it is time for a new tattoo and time to dance. Can't wait for tonight. And oh time to go hard on some alcohol. It's been a min since I've actually been trashed like months, and I think this is the perfect time and place!! THE END...