At 49

 i am so sorry that i have not been on to write in the past week or more, but things have been quite crazy. it all started when i got the hemoriod and let tell you those things hurt like a mother fucker. and it was internal so im still kinda suffering. my legs have been so sore i cant even fully stretch yet. but it getting better day by day. then my ear had problems so i had to go back to the doctor two  days later to have them drain my ears. that actually felt really good i suggest if you ever want like good therapy for your ear then go get your ears flushed. felt so good.  followed by that my grandma came into town for thanksgiving. that was so much fun i love her to pieces. i took her to the studio, my second home and she got to seem life in a day. but ohh i took heels that night in my shoes. i was LIVING in that class. and on the way to the studio she GOT INTO IT with the guy from american express it was the most funniest shit i even seen. SHE WENT OFF on the poor guy. she she gave being bitchy a new name. haha and at the end of the conversation "and i hope you have a beautiful thanksgiving. and thank you." and with so much snarkiness. i loved every moment of it. i was totally cheering her on in the driver seat laughing.  but we spent Thanksgiving at EL Torrito. had very Mexican holiday but it was fun. i love being with my grandma without her i wouldn't be where i am today and i dont know if she knows how much i truly appreciate her and everything she does for my family. we also went and got my backpack for my trip with other supplies. it was total reality check like holy shit this actually happening. and that night i packed my new home  which fits about 10 shirts 5 pants three pairs of shoes socks and underwear my sleeping bad first aid (my grandma insisted  on it). I listened to  her when it comes to  things like this she thinks i dont but i do i just dont act like it but i do. same with  the poncho she insisted we get. hey it will be winter so i  might actually need it.  but also during all of this i have been reading a book which is why i couldn't write in my spare time cause i was reading the most amazing book. THE HUNGER GAMES!! if you  have not read it get into ASAP. im telling you such and amazing book and im not into sci-fi action books but this one on whole different level. there was so much about the bok and how it related to the world today but it was focused on  the after america is a different country. it was amazing and her story in the hunger games. It is like me i felt. i am going to have to go battle in the hunger games for my life, with the skills i have been raised with and i need defeat all my opponents (in case would be all my goals). it was just so uplifting i couldnt put it down any chance i had. and i think that is the quickest i ever read a book. i dont read all that much but i love a good book, definitely going to finish the trilogy and then it will be my first trilogy i ever read in it all entirety. but now that my grandma has left i finished the book i am feeling a bit better than i was a couple weeks ago. i am working on getting back on track.  I hate not doing what i need to  do. wait i forgot to mention that while my grandma was here we packed all of my apartment in four boxes which she took home.   so now all i am with are my clothes. my litlle sis took my couch and tables n chairs,Tinelle from workstudy took my bed and then other things i am tossing out tomorrow so. i have nothing any more. it was a crazy to really see everything leave and that i will now be living out of a bag. it has struck me really hard sometimes emotions run rampant in my head. moments where i want to  cry and i dont know why. cause im scared. alone. questioning if i am doing the right thing, but then  i remember what everyone reminds me it is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. and Brandie reminded me that i am going to be so free i have the ability to wake up whenever i want and do  what ever i want. the only thing i care to do is dance really cause that what i am going to do when i wake up, ok maybe a little sightseeing and fun here and there but majority dancing :) ok back to my other thought i need to zero in more on the detail on my trip, which i think i am going to do this weekend and when i get home i can go to one of my favorite spots and spend hours researching and do the smaller details now.  and one of those smaller details taking care of myself. even in the book. Katniss needed to take of herself. her injures. her mental state of being. and that is what i need to get back into. the gym. eating right. ive indulged enough now, now it is time to get back in the saddle and put my head on straight. and i believe these have all been signs or slaps in the face. take your pick. but that's what it has been. i want it more now then ever cause i need to be on point by time it come to leave. Today is also my last day at Debbie's it is bittersweet cause i am going to miss my family. the place i call home, the place where i can be me and no one passes judgement. the place filled with so much love for one another. they have been everything me the last few months and even though i was only there a short while i have learned so much and have grown more into my own and feel a more comfortable in my own skin a place i thought i would never be at. Sayin good bye for the month is hard enough i wonder what it is going to be like when i really leave. i already want to cry. Ellis Brandie i would say i have grown the closest to and they have really taken me in for me and brought  new light out in me and i love them so much. Roberta has become like my second mom. she tells me like it is and keeps my mind straight. i would never want to disappoint her cause i see how hard this woman works and the heart she has for what she does. she let you have it but it comes from a beautiful place in her heart. but dont get her twisted. Marquies and Laura they complete me with out a doubt. Mondays would be boring as shit without these two. i could get through a night without them. they bring me up to a different level, and i cant thank them enough for everything they have done for me to make my life full of happiness. and Margie i love her she is grand puba nothing get past her. and the teachers they are my everything. what i live to be. Kristen Lorello and Derrell Bullock and Kennis Marqise and Tony Czar you take my breath away. my two heroes/idols/teachers/everything. being in their class is a damn privilege you really want to walk out of something feeling like you actually learned something their class is where to be. they are what dancing is about. being one with yourself and being one with music and letting your body be free.  Kyle, Miguel, Andye J, Free, Bosco, Christina B., and the rest of the staff at derbies they've all been such an inspiration to me and i tell you this is not the last you haven't seen of me. and done with the sob stories. i leave on Thursday back home to the bay and i have so much going on up there i have a baby on the (well my sisters), Christmas, my cousins wedding, a birthday and a farewell party. i am going to be busy so it is key i stay on top of my shit. i cant be slacking off and drinking ever night like i normally would I need to make sure that i stay focused. OMG so one night Brandie me and Ellis all smoked and let me tell you it was one of the best nights of my life. so many funny moments. conversations that were just so out of the ballpark. and me going off in my seat. Brandie and me laughed pretty much the entire time we were in my car. ohh dear. lol. but this week has pretty much seems like a move and time has been going by so fast. i cant wait to spend this time coming up with my family. i need their comfort and support and love before i head off. i want to see everyone happy together. it has been so long we all have been together for the holidays. its not like it use to be our family is so small and spread out. i cant wait for all of us to  be together this xmas. im going to carry it with  me forever and them cousins wedding its going to be such a great way to be sent off. its gonna be hard to leave cause i have been waiting for this for so long. and getting see my nephew being born. oh wow. ok well i think i have written quite a handful and then some so i think i am going to stop here but i promise i will keep up writing it one of those small details i am working on. lol. ONElove!