29

this is a really exciting time. My sister is about to pop any day now. i can tell she is really uncomfortable and done with this whole pregnancy thing. I am just ready for her to have Lil Ry Ry! i cant wait to meet him. i keep picturing what it is going to be like in the delivery room. I see me holding her hand as she is pushing with that intense look on her face and i am ensuring she is ok with those encouraging words. I do have to admit she looks amazing!! like so beautiful, you know i never really thought that being pregnant was a beautiful thing. i just thought they looked wierd, but i have seen a whole different pregnancy, and really being pregnant is one of the most beautiful things. Like i cant WAIT to have kids. i love when she lets me touch her stomach.  it s amazing to thing that women get to carry another life in them. cause soon that person inside is going to come out and then you get watch the start of a new life, and the things you get to teach and be apart of. such an amazing thing to be able to do...I am truely happy for my sister.  Granted i have been a dick to the baby daddy i think i am just angry at him cause i feel like a part of me was taken when my sister got pregnant. but  i now i look at more as an addition. and i have promised to try and make it better between him and I. and i want to. i do. and he deserves the benefit of the doubt. and if no one else will give it to him (from at least chrisi's side) i am going to be the one. everyone deserves the second chance.  But ya i cant wait for to have this baby and it should be any moment now. she has been having a lot of pain. even thought i know they are all false contractions. but i think any day now. it would be great if she had him a little early. but at the same time i am think we are looking at having a Xmas baby! that would be a DOPE!!

So tomorrow i get to meet with a public defender. and we are going to talk about my situation. we had a brief little talk over the phone. pretty much got the basic information from each other. we both said our little parts and then decided that we would meet on Monday. the dude is hilarious. he had me cracking up over the phone. but i really like what he had to say. i felt like we were on the same level. if that makes sense. im actually really looking to get this over and done with. im concerned for it too tough, cause then i am afraid of my money situation . whats it going to leave me with. im going to have a get money some how in a short amount of time. I am going to hustle and do some work!!  So looking at the number twenty nine i start to think  back to when i was wondering what i would feel like when i would see that the numbers get into the twenty range. and now that it is here i am scared shitless! i don't think i wanted to feel like this. i wanted to feel secure. and like nothing was going to stop me. but now i feel like that doesn't even exist. i am hoping i can change that around. and somehow before i leave still be able to feel like i have accomplished what i needed to. like i have taken steps backwards. and at the wrong time. keep your fingers crossed, pray at night. that everything works out. time to HULK UP! unleash the inner animal!! ONELOVE...