Second week

Saturday April 31 
Ugh I am trying to forget this past week by letting lose alittle this weekend and getting back to myself. And I'm trying to meet people by putting myself out there. I have taken class almost everyday this week was great cause my body definitely feels it and I love it. I'm sore bruised and loving everything about it!! Defo want to keep it going! I'm taking house today with my boy Ryan. Always a good class and a brain buster which I love! Cause I'm so new to house its a great challenge, and I love house and want to get better at it. I practice all the time! 

Ps we got Internet in my house too definitely brought my week up, and just saw we got a microwave. Fuck now all we need is Tv, and the door locks changed and I'll be all good! 

So another ay part of the week was seeing my roommate leave the house this weekend. She went off to go live an Au-pair for a family on the the other side of London. It is funny how close we got. I didn't think that I was going to become so close with the people here. Just thought it was gonna be like a see each other and pass by. Maybe say hello, but no we kinda became a little family it was and still awesome. But this n guy that moved in. Ehhh boring! No personality so far, and we all fun outgoing people! So it kinda brings the energy down! Defo not the same energy as before.

And I'm still on Dom! Nothing bout that has changed! Talk to him pretty much everyday! It really sucks! I really does. That whole saying distance makes the heart grown fonder is a bunch of bull, just hurts and sucks, but on the other hand guess you build thinker skin. Fuck I must have some hard ass skin with all shit I've been through lol. Defo not cute!  Can't wait for my mom to get here so I can go back to Amsterdam and see him and get that kiss. And if you saw that gorgeous mouth you'd be wishing the same thing! 

And yesterday was rather a fun and unexpected night! As I was looking for this bar I ran into my friend on the street. I made friends with him the first time I was here! Anywho yeah we spotted each other as we walked by each other! It was random so we went for drinks and then ended up getting drunk with a bunch of other people that he knew and I made friends with. They were all a very interesting crowd. I'm not a scene kid and rarely go out but if I did I'd have a feeling they would be the kind I would go out with. They all seemed like fun! But yeah such and random night but so much fun. And tonight I'm going out again, this will be my last time for a while! But going with my roomie and his friends to a bar. But hey I think I deserve it for the hell of a week I've had. And then this week, I have a lot to do! Got a checklist to get through! And dance my ass off some more. Speaking of dance got to head out. Got to hop on the tube. Fuck I love life here!!! Just a FYI! Lol 

Love lost!

Loss of my wifey 

I just found out through a friend of mine and of course clarified it through Facebook that I have lost my friend, my dance motivation, my wifey Mariana! My whole world is crush. Together we were both battling the same situation trying to get visa in different countries. We both shared the same passion for dance. It is who we are not only what we loved to do. All we wanted to do was dance. I had the pleasure of sharing the same room with her during the fnf convention where. Not only that but we were unrepeatable. We spent all week attached at each others hip! We woke up everyday danced, talked about it and dreamed about it. We gave each other confidence. I feel my world came crashing down tonight. It's been a long time since someone I knew so close has passed. This world docent even know what has gone. She was true talent and soul! It makes me sick thinking she is no longer here! It happened so quick! But why? Why on earth did she go? She had so much left to give!!! She had dreams she never got to conquer. Same dreams like me. I'm going to live them for the both of us!! I will make sure I see our dreams for the both of us. Even though we were joe s apart she had a major Impact on my life! It feels just like yesterday we were frolicking in the depths of Poland dancing our way to class in the snow. She was suppose to come and stay here with me in London for a little bit. Cause she had never been here! And wanted to try the dance scene and I was going to show her!! It's moment like these again I wish I had Dominic here to hold me while I cry like a baby! Wy why why why why?!?!?!?!? Beauty, passion, and life! She gave it all! She had a smile that would spread like wildfire. A heart made of pure gold. I remember for so long when I was working at Debbie how I would admire her! The way she danced. So sexy. Hahaha. She said sexy was her thing. But I always just wanted to be friends with her. And then we started saying hi and smiling at each other as we passed each other. And I always wondered what it would be like if we ever became friends. Then she started working at Debbie's as a work study! We got to know each other a bit more. But then she left for China. Didn't think I would see her again cause i was going to London. But when I saw her n that bus. Everything started. We talked the whole way from the station to the camp. 3 hours. Nonstop. Talking. And when we arrived we decided we wanted to room together. And then the more and more got to know each other it's like we were meant to be. We were so similar. Everything. It was crazy. I can't you how much I am hurt right now. I remember looking back as she drove off in the cab the morning we went out separate ways in Poland. She said bye hubby! I said by wifey! Gave me a big warm hug! I never thought that, that would be last time I saw her! It's just unbelievable. 

So I was just having a sob feat in my room. And it was so sweet one of my roommates just came in and sat there with me and held me as I cried in her arms. And then she led me out to the kitchen and everyone gave me a hug and let me know I am ok. And then things will get better!! As hard of times as these are I feel like she is here right now. Being in a house full of Latinos I know she is here in spirit with me. Consoling me.telling me everything is going to be ok and that I need to keep going and fight for what we both wanted. So I think this is going to be a big change for me. This is the first lost for me in the dance community where I have lost someone close to me.  I plan on making it for the both of us. Giving us both the opportunity. Making her proud. Cause I know I can. We shared things in that room we shared with no one else. It was no hold bard. I dare not repeat them but I know I can don't and cause of her I know I can too. So I will carry on with our dreams of getting our wish.  Mariana I know you are here and I just want to tell you how much I love you! And how much you are missed right now and I will be thinking of you through this process and how you are going to push me when times get tough. This is a heavy weight n my heart right now, but through time I will get better. I wish I had certain people here, but this is part of being on my own dealing with certain struggles and battling through them. But I am glad to have my roomies here now that have lifted my spirits through laughter and love. Even though we have only known each other a week we have sort of built a family. Sadly be is leaving next week cause she got a job sort is going tone sad to see her gout girl has got to make money. Fuck I still can't believe she is gone. This is going to take some time to get use to! Knowing when I message her she isn't going to message back! I want to know why, her, why? Makes no sense. I can't help but think that this girl I became so close with not so long ago is now no longer here and cold and soon to be lying in the ground. It just doesn't make sense. I can't fathom this still. 

Quick write

A New Life

Ahhh well things are going ok. I can't complain. Not that it is hard but I certainly knew this wasn't going to be easy. The house I moved into is cool. Can't complain. I'm the only one who speaks English. Two are from Spain.a guy and a girl. The guy is gay. The girl is pretty. Very very little English the guy speaks more than the girl. And a new guy moved in today. Older and Portuguese. Don't know what to make of him yet. But the other two are really cool. We all hung out last night and had some martinis. Talked. Mostly translating lol. But they are fun. We are all close in age so the vibe is pretty chill. We decided they are gonna help me with me spanish and I'll help them with English. We are all looking for work. Pretty hard for them since they don't speak English. hard for me since I'm not eligible to work in the UK yet. But I love it here. I don't get why it's so hard for people to move to another country that actually want to live there. Like come on. I'm on my way now to the bank again to try and sort my account stuff out now that I got all the paperwork i need. Then later I'm gonna hit the studio. Ugh I can wait to dance you don't know how bad I need it. i just want to go off right now!! My body needs it. I have so much to release!! So much tension. So much emotion. I still haven't let Dom go. Think bout him. Certain things trigger him,i smile when I think bout him but still it sucks. Actually living here now struggling with trying to make it permanent. Money. Time. So much to dance off. I just need it. So it is going to be amazing to hear the loud music get that high that I fein for everyday. and it's been forever since I feel I last danced. Unready to just go offffffff!!! 

I went to the school and by time I found it the office was closed so they gave me an email to the director of the Masters inChoreography to set up an appointment. I emailed and now waiting to hear back. Tomorrow i need to work on my CV and start sending them to agencies to see what kind of feedback I can get or if an appointment. I don't know. A couple people said i should try modeling. Maybe thats a sign. Guess I should go for everything I can.  Whats the worst they can tell me. Sorry your too tatted! 

Home: London

Making a home

Well first off I have to say it feels so good to be back in London. I have been on the grind the min I stepped off the plane looking for places. But everyone that I have heard back from have their room an hour or more outside the city. Which sucks. Cause that's not what I am looking for. But today I found a place that is rather close. It's actually close in terms of the city and the school I am going to apply for! The only thing is its a little bit more then what I wanted to pay! But I think it might be worth it.i mean the area is nice the room is liveable, needs a gay mans touch. For sure. But also I can move in tomorrow which is perfect cause tomorrow the day at my hostel ends. And I am in major need of my own space. And how I would have a double bed. I mean I'm not going to find much better for that price and close to the city with the amenities it offers too! I'm going to talk to my mom and see what she says. I'm just nervous making my first purchase on my own. But yeah. This whole not working and money thing is making me extra paranoid! Once I can work and get an income I will feel much better. And I went to the bank to change to a uk acct. but I need an address before I can do that. So once I get that I can make another step! But I will also say I love It here. I love being here, I hope this all works out. Maybe im just being paranoid but it's natural part of me. 

So not gonna lie I'm totally thinking of Dom right now! So many thoughts are going through my head. Like what would we be doing right now? What if he was here right now? Does he think of me? Hmmmm. Damn. I love how he can still make me smile even though he isn't here. Just thinking of him, and smile. Still think its all a bit crazy but definitely a good crazy! 

I'm intrigued to get back to Internet To see what email I got. If any texts. I wanna know if this place is ment to be.cit feels like it. Being in my situation. But im just nervous and it makes me second guess. But fuck I just want a place, I'll have to get new blankets, definitely a, going to have my mom or grandma mail me a box with clothes and stuff!! Ugh I can't wait for more clothes and a washing machine! The place to even had a back yard! I just liked it. The two landlords were cool. The room is on the first floor and right next to the door. So I wouldn't bother people. I just seems like a good fit for me.and it might make me more cautious to not spend money and get work quicker. like a fight. I love a good challenge. And this would definitely would be one. Its not way over what my min looking price was but. I will definitely be limited for a bit. Well literally I'll be able to just dance and eat. That all the rest of what my money will be for. Well I also need to work on getting a phone, an oyster card, those are some other major amenities! At least what I can think of! 

I don't even know where the day has gone its already 1015 I just felt like it was 5 the last time I checked! Holy sit! And im actually kinda tired. Ohh I can't wait to go to my own room. Plus I got to be up early! Well well see what advice my mom gives me before I make the final decision. 

Final decision: moving in :) 

Funny thing too! I get to the hostel I got a text from Dom :) sigh and smile :) 

Amsterdam part 2

Amsterdam part 2 

So I guess people come in and out of our lives for a reason. Monkey so example was definitely to teach me about myself. Definitely was a live and let learn situation. I not look back regretting my decision. I learned a lot about myself, and am grate for that experience. But what the fuck was that, that just happened. What are you kidding me first that now this. What the fuck kinda life lesson was this? Only to drive me insane. So like my third actual day in Amsterdam I decide ok I need to go out and why not find a cute guy to do so with. So I found one. We met at a waterfall and decided to go for drinks. So we went to this little car bar called Bump. It was cute. Cool atmosphere. And dude was totally! German and British!!! Holy shit! But there was not a dull moment of conversation. We laughed all night. Talking bout everything in the club, seemed like no one else existed. I mean people were there but all I could hear was him. I was comfortable. Very comfortable. It was like I could have known him the last ten years. So we were til bout 130 maybe 2 not too sure and then we decided we were gonna head home. And yes to our separate homes you pervs. Haha. Well I was awesome. You know how I was saying bout the bikes, well he rides a bike. And offered to take me on the back of his bike. Hahaha. And I did it. It was so exhilarating! It really was. And fun. And damn good ab workout lol. So maybe we get there, he took me to my front door. Come On. The front door. Like a man. He was looking good too. And once it started it didn't stop. I kissed him and kissed him hard. Or maybe he kissed me. Or we kissed each other. Either way, it was unbelievable!!! The energy, the vibe. We couldn't let go. I could have stayed down there in the street till dawn in the same spot wrapped up in him, kissing. Ugh. So finally at (from what I found out today) 330 in the am. I was up at 10am. He hit me up. And wanted to meet up later when he got off work and we decided to meet again for my last night here in Amsterdam. So I spent the day with the other couchsurfer met her in the city center took the ferry walked and walked. Till her feet bled. Literally poor. Thing totally cute. She is a dancer as well auditioning for a dance program out here. Undergrad. I know. So jealous. Sad that there masters program isn't accepted by my college funds.  Or I'd be applying. But she is from Finland really sweet! Well so we took the tram back together I got off at my stop and she went home, so we met at the fountain again. And just doesn't stop getting sexy! At all! We decided to take it easy and just toto a cafe and have a ginger ale. And chit chat. you know about the day. Asking random questions. Just having some laughs and again it was just comfortable and real and in such the moment. And then we decided we. Would cook dinner and hang out. And so before we cooked we had a total make out sesh. Yup. Again. Amazing! So we don't end up doing anything too naughty . Innocent-ish! Lol. But then bout 2/3 hours later we got hungry and cooked some amazing food fish with pasta. And dinner was perfect! Then we made our way to cuddling on the couch and watched a movie that I would not highly recommend! But then I was getting tired and so was he it was time for me to go home. He didn't want me walking so he rode me home in the back of his bike. Yeah thats when I started to freeze up. Cause I knew this was the end. And I've already learned my lesson. There is no fairytale ending. And as much as I was hoping he would turn around on that bike and tell me not to go! And all that other stuff. I knew it wasn't going to happen. How can you, when you've only met someone twice? How would you know it would be worth it? As much as we all want to see the rainbows and unicorns of life, well let reality slap you a few times, cause bitch it ain't happening! Hahaha. Maybe that was it maybe he was like my test to see if I'd do something crazy again. Well maybe I would, but I'm not. And I am sure that the moment I leave there is going to be some other guy already waiting and gets swooped up by a damn great man, and who ever they may be is going to be one luck son of bitch cause let me tell you, he is worth it, and is one of the best men I know with a heart of gold, and his being of his own that is so...TURE! I had to actually walk off that feeling, that remembering..oh yeah, there goes another! Bye bye! Like really?!?! I don't know now I feel like I'm getting punished for something and I don't know what. What did I do? That's what I'm starting to wonder. It's not truly there yet but it is surfacing. Ugh. Big sigh. Walking really helped it from really surfacing. Listening to music.  Now I just really want to just move my body and let it out. Let me scream from my body for a moment. Well tomorrow I head to London. And get to work. Get my life going again and now this is where it becomes time to get my head into gear and buckle up. Better get ready and pack and look online and figure things out.

Cheers

Amsterdam part 1

Amsterdam 

11:45am 
Oh me and this place are gonna get along so well. The people are awesome. The vibe is so chill. It was hella easy to ghetto the places I'm stay at. And guys are really chill. I made a great choice. They're two guy just flat mates, one is 65 and the other at least late 30's but it too too sure. They are so cool. They're stories are really dope. Traveling and hitch hiking all over. And there is this Finland girl there too how is dancing here for an audition. Totally different style but she is very interesting and I love how she is about cultural dancing. So she knows hella different cultural dances. Ok I'm getting eager to walk around. And see the city so I will get back later. Dude I'm high p.s. Go Amsterdam! Haha

3:21
I have been walk for the last 3 hrs and some change. And let me tell you I am so in love with this city. Where to even begin. The streets. Its fucking crazy. There are so many shops. And like cool shops. This is nothing like New York and San Francisco. There are so many colors so many patterns, and everything looks different, nothing here looks the same. The people dress different from one another. Here you don't have walkers and drivers. No over here it is walker drivers, and bikers!! And they will run you over too!! Hahah. But there nothing like this. Nothing at all.  the vibe is so different. And everyone has this spirit about them. I don't know. What it is but it makes them looks much younger. And oh shit. The guys. Gorgeous. Everyone has their own individuality. Most people sit outside at the cafe houses outside. Hundreds of them it seems.almost every little corner. Even on the benches outside. Guys eat their lunch on the outside sitting on boxes and stairs. But the streets are so tiny. I'm means it's like. This is what life should be like. There is such a humbleness about being here. With all the craziness going on around you, you can't help but be calm. People smile walking down the street. Or that could be me just smiling cause I can't help but to. There is so much culture here, like I just ate this foreign food that I could even tell you were it was from some small island. But it was so goooooood! I devoured my plate. I'm so hungry imma go fine another place to get food. See what I come up with! 

Dublin Round 2

Dear Dublin, 

God damn! You dot his tome every time! Always unexpected! My life story at this point right?!! I came here looking for something, someone, and I left with something completely different. But it was one of the best things that could have happened to me. Tho the situation didn't turn out the way I wanted. I gain so much more than I could have ever asked for. I learned more about myself. For such a long time I have wanted to know what it would be like to comfortable in my own skin. And now I can say I am. I wanted to take a big chance on something I was most scared of. Tho it didn't come out that they way I wanted I still took that chance, and I went way out of my own comfort zone to do it. And to me that is a bigger accomplishment than any guy! Even tho I won't lie there are still moment that I daydream or imagine the what ifs. Like as I sit here at the airport I wish Monkey was sitting here holding my hand, or he would rush through those  sliding doors as I walk through the gates to give me a kiss. Haha such wishful thinking. But I remember that this is reality. And there is no chance of that. Plus he probably has his tongue wrapped around that Venezuelan dude. Oh well his loss someone else's gain right? I mean i doubt no one would do what i did. Im actually guaranteed no one would. But i try to catch myself and move forward! This really goes to show that things do happen for a reason. I also had such am amazing time hanging out with people I now consider to be my extremely close friends. Ding,Matt, Emiear, and the whole So Little Crew! And the dance community in Dublin. I can't express how happy these people make me and the love I have for them!  The opportunities they have given me. The definitely took my mind off things and snapped me back to reality real quick! I couldn't be more grateful to them. I made so may friends here in Dublin it is so crazy! It hurts my heart that I have to leave them. But I must move forward and conquer my dreams of London. Which I am so excited to be going back in a couple of days. My last stop is Amsterdam. And I'm excited but I am going with a clear head. Not expectations. It's so hard leaving Dublin. Ever time I walk through those gates. I just want to cry. I feel like I'm leaving a piece of my heart behind. But I must go where my soul is. Such a tug of war. Gotta keep truckin tho. Right now I feel I have no time to wallow. I just need to dance. Dance these emotions out. It weird the times I feel I need to dance the most I am always in an airport I feel. But I am moving on now and there is no more looking back on the what ifs, the shoulda couldas. I'm ready and I feel more ready then before I even left to Europe. It's gonna be a struggle, there are going to be a lot of ups and down coming my way , but I have to say I'm ready. And I have to thank you Dublin for giving me what I need! 

CHEERS
John